dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I understand Curling. That high.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
