nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize