Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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