R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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