i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have so many feelings about this burrito
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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