I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
