i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
