im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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