Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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