We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
