I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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