i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
