but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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