hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
