how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
