Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
