I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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