can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
