we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
