He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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