My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
