oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
