so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
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New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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