hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
