I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
