she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
