$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
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