last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
