New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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