I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
