Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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