Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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