Will you blow on my dice?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
