I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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