Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
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I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
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Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
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