What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
