you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
