She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
