I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
