new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
