I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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