I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
