just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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