If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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