i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Randomize
