Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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