hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
