my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
