just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
