is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if only i could text you this smell
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
