I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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