FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
