who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
