I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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