I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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