It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
