I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Don't make out with my wife yet
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
